Line of the Week

"Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much!"

Escape From Sloth Island (Double Edited Version)

Sloths...There are sloths out there........

"Guys, we don't have a chance. I'm going out there to buy us some time."

"No! You'll never make it!"

"I know, but as long as you three survive, maybe they can be stopped. Remember me."

"But you're the only one that can stop them!"

The door opens, and is closed.

"Noooooo! I'm going after him!"

Gary and Tony restrain Kim, who is now nearly hysterical, and gunshots are heard outside. Leaves rustle, then there is a scream, and silence.

"Oh god, no. The sloths can use guns. It's even worse than we feared."

"Kim, pull yourself together. He's gone. He would have wanted it this way."

"We had better get to the hoverbikes while they're still eating his face."

"All that matters now, is us staying alive, and informing the government of his sacrifice...and bringing them the sword of sloth-slaying, of course. We wouldn't want the sacrifices we all made to retrieve it to go to waste."

Gary peers out the window. The sloths are collected in a mass, eating something that looks disturbingly human...
"I don't think that they see us, go! Go! Go!"

"Jesus Christ, there's blood everywhere!"

"Oh God! Kim! Gary! Go! Theyve got my leg!!!!"

"The Sword! Use the sword!!"

"Aaaauuuuggghghhhhh!!!!"

CRUNCH!

In one movement, Gary brings the swords on the sloth...there is a bright light, but it was too late. The Sloth's bones are crushed by the sword, but two of the four survivors are gone.

Kim and Gary stand motionless for a moment, scared and breathless and disbelieving. Then they tear off towards the hoverbike shed. They sprint the long, poorly lit path, cutting down sloths in their way, finally making it to the shed. They grab two of the four bikes and began to flee the island.

"Look out! Megalonychid!!!

The two bike towards the beach, hoping desperately to escape.

Halfway, Gary starts to veer to the left,
"What are you doing?!" Kim demanded.
"I'm going to blow up the whole goddamn island including that Medalonychild, get to the beach, get the boat, and wait for me. As soon as you see me, there's not much time left..."

"You can't! Everyone else is already way too dead!'

Gary turns to look her in the eye."Kim, this is our one chance. If I don't do this, how many more people could die? What if the sloths got off the island? This is our only hope."

Kim speeds off towards the submarine pad, ducking under three-toeds and over ground sloths, fearing the sinister red glow in their eyes, and steering wide clear of the sloth-wizard's lair. Finally she reaches the submarine. Kim jumps off of her hoverbike and onto the top of the sub. She sess the outline of Gary, perched on top of the volcano, setting a charge, and prays for him to live as she ducks inside the submarine. It's filled with sloths!
The sword...she still has the sword.

Remembering Peter, and her good friend Tony, she jumps inside, for if they couldn't get off the island, their sacrifices would come to naught. A swarm of demonic sloths leap at her, tearing at her from every direction, mouths foaming...she lashes out with the sword, and they draw back. Just then, an explosion rocks the island.

There are still six of those creatures. They have Kim cornered, then, three of them were pulled off, and thrown into the pyre of the island. Gary has come back!
"We should go. NOW!"

Kim dispatches two more sloths with her sword, but the last one emerges from the bright light unscathed. To their horror, they realize that it's the sloth-wizard.

The submarine is now fifty feet under, Gary moves to the hatch, and Kim and the Sloth-Wizard stare, mono e mono.

"FOOLISH HUMANS! SLOTHS RULED THE EARTH BEFORE, AND THEY SHALL RULE IT AGAIN! ONCE OUR CIVILIZATION WAS THE LARGEST AND GREATEST! NONE WERE RICH AND NONE WERE POOR! THEN THE SELFISH AND EVIL HUMANS BROUGHT A PLAGUE ON SLOTHKIND WITH THEIR PETTY NOTIONS OF "PEACE" AND "LOVE'! TODAY YOU ALL DIE!"

The cabin fills with water, and Kim doesn't realize what's happening at first. And then they realize what Gary has done--it was their only chance. The two humans swim desperately towards the surface. Then an air bubble catches them, sending them up out of the water.

"Can sloths swim?"

"No, I think that our troubles are over."

Just then, a sloth tooth rockets in between the pair. The Sloth-Wizard has exploded.

The end...or is it?

Line of the Week

People come up with great things to say all the time, and it seems like a shame not to preserve them somewhere. So we're introducing our first regular feature here at inexplicable, "Line of the Week"

"Socrates had it coming."